With or without you
by randoom
Summary: Blairs and Chucks thoughts, feelings and reactions during the second season. Short oneshots/Drabbles
1. Chapter 1

Drabbles – With or without you (1)

Chuck: The butch with the Scotch

It was that time of year, the time of the "White Party", and Chuck Bass was sitting at the bar all alone. Well, maybe not all alone. He still had a glass of Scotch... and an awful feeling in his stomach that led him to a difficult decision. He had two choices: he could either drown his depression (and his common sense) away with alcohol, or he could do something, anything, to somehow get rid of his suffering. Only... only he was already paralysed, already too weak to fight his suffering, to keep it from suffocating him. And besides, what could a person like him do anyway? Would it do any good at all if he tried?

Actually Blair didn't matter to him. She had gotten Marcus with the title of "lord," and he'd gotten a lot of other girls... who were as interesting as bread.

Who was he trying to convince? He said it himself: He tried the whole summer to think of something other than Blair. Now, he bitterly regretted not following her. He had been afraid. He had been so afraid she would find his inner self, the self that he knew she wouldn't like. Although he already confessed the undeniable truth to Nate: He fell in love with Blair. But...

Well, if there hadn't been this damn "but".

He was blocked inside.

What was so attractive about this cock? Chuck asked himself, degrading Lord Marcus in his mind. Okay, he was rich and wealthy. He had a title Chuck would be never able to achieve. He was a very polite Briton. He was a Lord by the way... Okay, Chuck was definitely screwed.

He took a sip off his glass and stared into space. He felt numb.

This inner blockage. He had no chance. The only escape away from this misery would have been to tell Blair those three words she was so eager to her from him. Three simple, stupid words. Just "I..."

Chuck tore at his hair. He couldn't even say them in his own mind!

He needed a plan. He was Chuck Bass. He always got the things he wanted to possess. It was all a matter of money and time, and money was, like everybody knows, a synonym for time. So it was all about having a double amount of time... he zoned out. The three glasses of Scotch that he drank automatically were just too much. His mind was befogged. A plan, he just needed a plan and everything would be well...


	2. Chapter 2

**Blair: The foolish girl**

"Chuck!", Blair cried out as if his name was the only thing that could stop him. She wasn't sure why she followed him for instance. He had been so cruel and mean to James and also tried to deeply hurt Blair's feelings.

But Blair could see Chuck's own affliction in his facial expression. She could see that he just ran away like a little boy... Surely his behaviour had a reason...

Surprisingly he really stopped. He turned around and faced her.

"Look, I know, what that pin means to you. You gave it to Nate, the first time you said you loved him", he said, almost causally.

"I asked it back so that James could have it."

What was the matter with Chuck? She was able to give the needle to anybody she wanted it to have. It was just a pin. Wasn't it? Or did it have a certain meaning for Chuck? It was a cheap gift compared to the jewellery he had given to her, like the necklace for her birthday. Those things were expensive, worth an incredible amount of money, more than twice as much as the silver heart-pin.

Chuck blinked. It seemed as if he couldn't meet her gaze. He lowered his glance. Was he kind of... embarrassed?

"Do you … really feel the same way for him as you did for Nate?"

This question startled Blair. How was she supposed to respond? _„No."_ or_ „Chuck... why can't you see that... I could never feel the same way for anybody as I did for you?" _But it wasn't an option to say something like that. She would just give him new munition to hurt her. He was not as half as serious as she was about the whole thing. For him she was only another girl he knew and longed to possess. It was a game. A cruel game. A bitter feeling arose in Blair.

She stared at him and looked him straight in the eyes, now that he was brave enough to meet her gaze.

She made her decision. "I do", she replied with a steady voice and with a simple resolution that she was a bit afraid of.

In the space of two seconds everything around her seemed to break down. It was obvious she had made the wrong decision. She expected to be triumphant, she expected Chuck to give a weak reply and to act as if he was the winner of this little conversation. Blair thought, she was going to be the winner. But actually both of them had just lost.

Chuck seemed to search for words, as if he searched his brain and heart for some answer he could give Blair to make her change her mind. To make everything undone. He just seemed troubled, confused, scattered.

Hurt.

"... Ah... I'll see you at school."

That was everything he could come up with. His voice had been weak, quivering, like he had to use a lot of power to say at least this.

A wave of guilt and depression overcame Blair, washing away all the bitterness she had felt for him before. Now all what was left was numbness.

A second made of the most awful kind of silence passed by. Chuck pressed his lips lightly together trying to stick with the the last bit of control he could come up with. Blair simply stared into space. She still felt numb and empty. What had she done?

Then Chuck left, his gaze turned down.

Blair felt another wave, a wave of tears, welling up and reaching her eyes. It was so surreal. Did she really thought, it was just a game for Chuck? How could she? Seeing Chuck so beaten up, broke her heart somehow and she knew how terribly wrong she had been. And how foolish her behaviour had been. But... she still had a bit of doubt. Maybe it was foolish, but perhaps it had been the correct decision. She could never be assured that Chuck was in love with her the same way she was with him.

He never said it to her... Never even tried.

Nevertheless... Blair knew: Even if Chuck didn't deserve the pin...

James was just an unimportant guy in her life, who would never understand the precious meaning of the pin. Her heart didn't belong to him. None of them. Neither the one made of silver, nor the fast beating one in her chest.


End file.
